Demons

A post drafted a month ago:

Things are rockin' and rollin' over here!

Yesterday was very, very productive. I had a voice lesson, applied for a few print jobs, and got a non-Equity audition time slot for NYMF- the NY Musical Theater Festival. All of this, mind you, was done on my phone in the middle of New York City.

The NYMF audition is on Tuesday. Christy helped me pick out and work on an audition piece. We chose All The Men In My Life from the show Evil Dead: The Musical.

You guys, I am SO EXCITED!

In listening back to the recording of my lesson, there's a discernable difference in my voice. I'm sounding more contemporary and more poppy. Singing is fun again. I can't wait to get out there on Tuesday and knock 'em dead!

With all good, unfortunately, comes some bad. I had to let Rae, my first teacher, go after working together on and off for 10 years. It was really hard to do, but in my heart of hearts I know I made the correct decision.

That said, I am finally, FINALLY making peace with my body. It is a huge victory for me. I've been on a very restrictive diet for a few weeks and the changes in my body are unbelievable. I feel better when I eat the right foods. My stomach has all but flattened out and I'm really digging how awesome my legs look. I've been doing cardio like it's going out of style- running, yoga, and dance classes with a possibility of Zumba in there as well. I'm feeling strong, fit, and motivated. While I know that I probably have another 10 lbs to go to be 'Hollywood thin,' feeling good about what's looking back at me in the mirror is enough of a victory for me.

Time to get going on the day. Lots to do today- kiddies from 10:30-4.

That's Size 2 To You, Mister!

I have been making a concerted effort to eat better and go to ballet class. Since starting this regime, I have lost 10 lbs.

For the first time in a very long time (read: 15 years), I feel good about myself and by body.

That's why this morning was so upsetting.

I went to my usual ballet class this morning. There were 3 of us and I was, as usual, the youngest. I was also the sickest, as I have been fighting a terrible cold and have learned to hate mornings. I can't breathe through my nose, I hack up my lungs, and I generally feel rather icky.

All I managed to do today was the barre. I could barely breathe and I was just plain miserable. It was awful and I ended up sitting out for the rest of the class. This is not the usual routine.

After class, I approached my teacher about making a video of my dancing abilities. I've had interest from a theater and they certainly want a video ASAP. When I explained the situation, the teacher agreed to help with the video under the pretense that I waited a month. My silence urged him into saying that I was 'still too heavy.'

Strike 1

He then proceded to tear me a new one about how heavy I was. I got angry, bit it back in order to keep my cool, and cried. I felt like crap and I was looking for help on a project- not advice from a nutritionist.

Strike 2

I calmly stated that we would continue this another time and removed myself from the situation. I went into the bathroom and grabbed a tissue.

He proceded to yell from the ballet room, "Deborah, don't do this! Don't leave it like this!"

I shot out of the bathroom and said back, "Then don't call me fat!"

The response?

"But you ARE! You're too fat!"

Ever see a killer whale chase after a seal? The rest of it kinda went along those lines.

Strike 3. It was ON.

From there it was an all out screaming match, one that I am proud to say that I did not start.

Me: I lost 10 lbs! What more do you want from me?!
"Teacher"- No you didn't. Who are you kidding? You're bigger now than you were when you started!
Me: I'm 110 lbs!
T- Then you have to cut your carbs! Whatever you're putting in your mouth is making you fat!

It kept going along those lines with him blocking the staircase and thus the way out. I was completely trapped. The whole time he was insisting that he was trying to help. It was relentless and oppressive.

So finally, I hurled my last grenade.

"I hired you to teach me how to dance- not call me fat!"

Guess who got offended and told me to leave?

I did just that. My little size 2 butt was down the stairs in 2 seconds flat.

I never looked back.

However, I was an emotional wreck and still am to some extent. Back I went to my parents' house. It was a wonder I could drive, being that I was shaking and crying to the point where I could barely breathe. It took me well over an hour to calm down.

Then my phone rang.

Guess who?

Guess who ignored the call?

The voicemail was an apology of sorts, more concerned about the video than anything else. He sounded upset, which made me rather happy. Good. Let him be upset. I don't need to give a 'man' like him nearly $50 of my really hard earned money a WEEK, $200 a month that I really need. It's money back in my pocket. Let him suffer.

The moral of the story is that having a backbone and standing up for myself has never felt so good. I was able to peel off my layers (last count was 4) of spandex, look at myself in the mirror and say "He's crazy! I have a rockin' body!"

It has been a very trying day, but a war has been won on behalf of my self esteem. I take from this the knowledge that I am strong both physically and mentally and that I will not be pushed around.

That said, I'm exhausted and ready for bed. :)