That's Size 2 To You, Mister!

I have been making a concerted effort to eat better and go to ballet class. Since starting this regime, I have lost 10 lbs.

For the first time in a very long time (read: 15 years), I feel good about myself and by body.

That's why this morning was so upsetting.

I went to my usual ballet class this morning. There were 3 of us and I was, as usual, the youngest. I was also the sickest, as I have been fighting a terrible cold and have learned to hate mornings. I can't breathe through my nose, I hack up my lungs, and I generally feel rather icky.

All I managed to do today was the barre. I could barely breathe and I was just plain miserable. It was awful and I ended up sitting out for the rest of the class. This is not the usual routine.

After class, I approached my teacher about making a video of my dancing abilities. I've had interest from a theater and they certainly want a video ASAP. When I explained the situation, the teacher agreed to help with the video under the pretense that I waited a month. My silence urged him into saying that I was 'still too heavy.'

Strike 1

He then proceded to tear me a new one about how heavy I was. I got angry, bit it back in order to keep my cool, and cried. I felt like crap and I was looking for help on a project- not advice from a nutritionist.

Strike 2

I calmly stated that we would continue this another time and removed myself from the situation. I went into the bathroom and grabbed a tissue.

He proceded to yell from the ballet room, "Deborah, don't do this! Don't leave it like this!"

I shot out of the bathroom and said back, "Then don't call me fat!"

The response?

"But you ARE! You're too fat!"

Ever see a killer whale chase after a seal? The rest of it kinda went along those lines.

Strike 3. It was ON.

From there it was an all out screaming match, one that I am proud to say that I did not start.

Me: I lost 10 lbs! What more do you want from me?!
"Teacher"- No you didn't. Who are you kidding? You're bigger now than you were when you started!
Me: I'm 110 lbs!
T- Then you have to cut your carbs! Whatever you're putting in your mouth is making you fat!

It kept going along those lines with him blocking the staircase and thus the way out. I was completely trapped. The whole time he was insisting that he was trying to help. It was relentless and oppressive.

So finally, I hurled my last grenade.

"I hired you to teach me how to dance- not call me fat!"

Guess who got offended and told me to leave?

I did just that. My little size 2 butt was down the stairs in 2 seconds flat.

I never looked back.

However, I was an emotional wreck and still am to some extent. Back I went to my parents' house. It was a wonder I could drive, being that I was shaking and crying to the point where I could barely breathe. It took me well over an hour to calm down.

Then my phone rang.

Guess who?

Guess who ignored the call?

The voicemail was an apology of sorts, more concerned about the video than anything else. He sounded upset, which made me rather happy. Good. Let him be upset. I don't need to give a 'man' like him nearly $50 of my really hard earned money a WEEK, $200 a month that I really need. It's money back in my pocket. Let him suffer.

The moral of the story is that having a backbone and standing up for myself has never felt so good. I was able to peel off my layers (last count was 4) of spandex, look at myself in the mirror and say "He's crazy! I have a rockin' body!"

It has been a very trying day, but a war has been won on behalf of my self esteem. I take from this the knowledge that I am strong both physically and mentally and that I will not be pushed around.

That said, I'm exhausted and ready for bed. :)

A Big Smile

I have a big smile on my face tonight. It has been there since 11 o'clock this morning.

Why?

"You've lost weight. You look good!"

Said my ballet teacher, who used to criticize my weight at every turn. Compliments from him are difficult to earn, so this was a big deal.

Audition tomorrow at 3:05 PM- just in time for the snow! Keep your fingers crossed!

I Held My Nose, I Closed My Eyes...

I have the memory of a fruit fly lately, so I'm not sure if this was mentioned in my previous entry. Forgive me if it was.

I signed up for Backstage a few days ago. Backstage, for those non-showbiz kids, is a well respected industry insider newspaper that arrives weekly. Due to new technological advances, Backstage is also available online. I bought the yearly subscription to Backstage that included both the hard copy and full internet access.

That said, I have started to submit myself for shows, showcases, tours, and just about anything that I can get my hands on.

Tonight I received 2 emails from companies I had mailed my headshot and resume to previously, resulting in audition time slots for both this week and next.

So. So. EXCITED!!

Keep your fingers crossed!

It's Official!!!!!

I GOT THE STRAWHAT AUDITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now to work even harder!

I haven't eaten anything mildly delicious or satisfying in the last 24 hours in a bid to lose 10 lbs in the next 6 weeks and 5 days. I've become addicted to moisturizers to make sure my skin looks decent. So far I am losing this battle...

In stepping on the scale, I have maintained my weight. I was mildly disappointed before I realized that the last week has included abusing my liver more times than I care to admit, pizza, cheese, really yummy food, and chocolate. None of this was productive in my bid to shed some weight. I'll take maintenence, thank you very much. That weigh in could have been disasterous.

Yesterday, I signed up for a year's subscription to Backstage magazine. I have already submitted myself for at least half a dozen shows/productions and have been notified to various auditions. This will be my year!

That said, ballet kicked my butt something fierce today. I took a nap for well over an hour and can already feel my muscles barking. Tomorrow morning will not be fun. I can feel it already. I'm so excited!

None of this is very fluid and I realize is more along the lines of train of thought. My next thought, dear readers, is about bed.

Goodnight!